This post could easily be super long, so I will try my best to be short and concise. This topic has been on my heart a lot recently, and as vulnerable as it is to share my experiences with splitting, I think it will help people, so here we go!
According to the Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences, splitting is when a person “…idealizes someone at one time (seeing the person as “all good”) and devalues them the next (seeing the person as “all bad”). As a defense, splitting allows individuals to simultaneously maintain contradictory attitudes towards self and others, but also prevents a view integrating both qualities concurrently.”
In Brianna’s words: splitting is when your view of someone switches from all good to all bad INSTANTLY. There is no in-between. Allow me to share a simple example that happened recently:
I have a spiritual father with whom I’ve been walking through life over the last year. The Lord has used him to radically change my life and view of The Father. I was having a texting conversation with him recently, and at one point, he responded, “Never mind” because I didn’t understand something he was trying to explain. It was a super trivial thing—it’s not like we were having a deep conversation or anything. And my “healthy” brain knew he didn’t mean to hurt/trigger me at all. Unfortunately, though, parts inside of me were triggered instantly due to past hurts, so they threw walls up in a matter of seconds. I felt a pain so deep and so intense that I started crying—my mind started “grieving” because I was convinced I had to push him away for hurting me. My brain told me he was no longer the safe, loving, validating father figure I’d been walking with. He apologized almost instantly (even before I voiced how I felt), but I held onto that anger/hurt way longer than I’d like to admit. In the past, something this small would’ve been enough to cause me to burn a bridge, but thankfully, we were able to work through it.
We can’t decide who we split and when BUT!!!!!! We get to choose how we respond to the urge to split. Yeah, I know—MUCH easier said than done. But if there’s one thing I know about people who battle BPD, it’s that we want nothing more than to have healthy relationships!
I never could’ve imagined I’d be able to verbalize when I’m splitting, let alone work through it to maintain the relationship. It takes lots of work, vulnerability, patience, and love (both toward yourself and the person you’re splitting), but the end result is worth it. We don’t have to burn bridges like our brain tells us we do. I promise!
Now, to the person who struggles with splitting: as cliché as it sounds, you’re not alone, and there is hope. I see you and know how hard it is to live with this disorder. What’s more, is that God sees you. He’s not oblivious to your mental suffering. He’s waiting for you to let Him into the mess. He wants to sit with you in it and bring you comfort. He may not heal you on this side of heaven, but I’m confident there’s a reason for that. I still struggle with being angry at the Lord for not taking away all of my mental turmoil, but he reveals to me more and more why—He’s using my experiences (both good and bad) to help further His kingdom. That makes it all worth it. If these words touch even one person’s life, it’s all worth it. I’ve already seen Him use my story, and He wants to use yours, too.
To the person who loves someone who splits them: borderline personality disorder doesn’t excuse our actions and words, but it does help explain them. Learning about this disorder and its effects will help bring a deeper level of understanding and compassion. It’s also essential that you maintain healthy boundaries with your loved one with BPD. Communicate your feelings/needs/desires—they matter just as much as ours. Take space if you need space, too. Most importantly, please remember that even when we say/act the opposite, we just want to be seen, known, and loved. That’s every human’s desire, really.
You, dear reader, are seen, known, and loved by God and others.
Mental Stillness 
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