“There’s a light you don’t notice when you’re standing in the dark.” (Tauren Wells)
I saw no light. I believed there was no light. I couldn’t even dream of the light. But here I am—in the light.
Two years ago, I couldn’t see past the minute in front of me. I was tired of being asked what I wanted to do with my life because I genuinely had no idea. I accepted I would never be able to live alone safely or have a family. For the longest time, I didn’t even have the goal of being alive tomorrow. I didn’t care what happened to me or what I did to myself. I didn’t care about my family or friends. I didn’t care about life.
I was SO mad that I was alive. After facing years of turmoil, trauma, and immense pain, you get tired. You get tired of the mental health diagnoses, medications, and therapy. You get tired of waking up wishing you hadn’t. You get tired of fighting—everyone around you and yourself. You just get tired.
Then, there are two options: you give up or keep trying.
I kept trying.
I want to say, “I don’t know how I made it,” but I do. God surrounded me with people to hold me when I couldn’t stand—to believe in me when I didn’t care. God put all of these different people in my life when I needed them. He always has and always will know what I need and when.
Life’s been weird lately. I went astray and stopped caring again. I’m not sure where I stand with God, but I want to figure it out. I never want to… scratch that… I never will go back to who I used to be. There is no room for that in my life anymore.
I’m safely living alone for the first time. I’m almost done with college. I’m interning with a phenomenal organization that represents everything I want to represent. I’m alive. I made it.
And now, I dream.
I dream of my future. I want to advocate for people the way I was, and still am, advocated for. I want to influence lives the way people influenced mine. I want to be a light to those around me; I want to be someone people can go to. I want to wake up every day glad that I did! I want to learn how to love others better. I want to kick borderline personality disorder, PTSD, depression, anxiety, ADHD, and binge eating disorder’s asses. I want the world to know that even when you don’t see it/believe it—THERE IS LIGHT. Let others help you when you can’t see it!
I didn’t see the light, but it’s all I see now.
Mental Stillness 
I LOVE YOU
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I LOVE YOU!!!! MY #1 FAN ❤️
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Hi, I read on another post of yours, that you never met another Christian with BPD. I am one. It is really hard. My faith is new, but I know it is real… I also am glad to read the experiences of someone like me. Thank you.
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Hello! I’m sorry I’m just now seeing this! Thank you so much for commenting. We’re not alone ❤️
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I found your article on being a BPD Christian. Which led me here to your blog. Thank you for sharing so openly about your perspective and journey. My husband is a Christian and was recently diagnosed with BPD earlier this year. We are separated. His behaviors escalated to an unhealthy place and he needed help. So many people have told me he’s evil and can’t be helped. As a Christian I have to believe God is more powerful than a diagnosis. I’ve seen my husband be so passionately on fire for God and then go through valleys where nothing he does reflects a life of a Christian. Your explanation of this was really helpful. I’m truly not wanting to abandon him. I love him so much. He’s caused so much trauma but I want to help him. I’m trying to understand better and really see if there’s a future for us. I have a fierce loyalty and love for him. But I also want to make sure healthy boundaries are in place when he splits. Right now because I left I’m sure he sees me as the enemy.
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First, I apologize for taking so long to respond! Life got a bit difficult, so I stepped away for a while.
Second, thank you so much for sharing a part of your life with me. That means so much to me, and I’m so so so grateful the Lord is using my experiences to help people.
I was incredibly manipulative, full of rage, and split people constantly before I got treatment for BPD. I was incredibly difficult to live with and even be friends with, honestly. All this to say, I can relate to some of the things your husband may be experiencing.
It’s super difficult to communicate with and love someone with BPD, as you know. Few people take the time to learn about this disorder and its effects, which is why we’re so quickly labeled as manipulative, crazy, evil, unstable, etc. While things may get pretty bad at times, our intention is never to hurt anyone. It’s so difficult for us to see past our emotions and circumstances—to see the shades of grey. That’s why it’s so important to get treatment.
Once I started therapy and was put on a mood stabilizer, things (SLOWLY) started to look up. I’m still learning how to manage my strong emotions and triggers, but I’m now able to live on my own, hold down a job, and maintain healthy relationships.
All this to say, there is certainly hope for your husband. However, I think it’s soooo important that you continue to enforce your healthy boundaries, as your mental health is just as important as his. I’m also so sorry for the trauma he caused.
I think it’s so beautiful and encouraging that you’re still wanting to pursue him despite the trauma. It’s my prayer that this new diagnosis brings about a deeper level of understanding for both of you. I pray the diagnosis brings clarity and explanation to the things your husband is experiencing. I pray getting this diagnosis is a turning point for him—that the Lord would give him the desire for treatment. Ultimately, I ask the Lord to bring healing in your relationship, and I ask he restore your husband’s mind to full health.
You are not alone. You are seen, known, and loved. Thank you so much for being willing to learn more about BPD and its symptoms. People like you are helping to end the stigma, so thank you.
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