Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Someone reached out to me recently to ask about my thoughts/experiences on how to interact with and love a family member with BPD. I waited quite awhile to respond because I had no idea what to say. I believe the Lord took over my mind and hands as I typed this response, so I wanted to share it with the hope that it helps others with loved ones who battle BPD. I’m also praying the following message brings encouragement, comfort, and validation to those diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.

Here we go!

“I’m honored and humbled that you would reach out and ask about my experiences. That makes it all worth it—knowing that God is using my story to help others. I’m so, so grateful that He’s using me as his vessel.

I also wanted to point out how beautiful it is that you want to learn about this disorder to love your family member well. There aren’t many people who will take the time to learn about mental illness and its effects on people, so praise God you’re one of them! Having supportive, healthy people in our life make a huge difference.

So, I’ll start by saying my BPD went undiagnosed until I was in college (I’m almost 25 now). I had a therapist in high school who asked if I had ever heard about the disorder, but I was instantly mad once I heard the word “personality.” I remember thinking, “There’s no way I, Brianna, have a personality disorder.” I shut down the conversation quickly due to my incorrect, preconceived notions, and he never brought it back up. I wish I would’ve listened to him and took into consideration what he was saying–we could’ve started treating this way before it got as bad as it did. That’s the case for way too many people who battle this disorder, unfortunately.

It took wayyyyy too many inpatient stays (from suicidal ideation/attempts) to get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder officially, and the diagnosis changed my life. I started reading up on it and others’ experiences, and I quickly came to realize that this diagnosis explained my entire existence. The key word there—EXPLAINS. It does NOT excuse. 

It’s super important that people with BPD have adults in their lives who are good at maintaining healthy boundaries. In a gentle way! Anger/passiveness/annoyance don’t work well, especially not with individuals suffering from BPD. We feel emotions so intensely that it physically hurts, so we can pick up on a change in demeanor instantly. It’s like we’re walking around with 3rd degree burns on us due to how strongly we feel things, and every time someone hurts us, it’s like they’re digging their fingers into our exposed burns. But, that doesn’t mean people should walk on eggshells around us. It just means we require a little more intentionality and softness. Honestly, all humans would benefit from that—not just people with BPD.

It’s also important to note that we, ultimately, just want to be seen, heard, and understood, and that takes time and effort from both the person with BPD and their loved one. It takes open, honest, raw communication. It takes healthy and kindly-enforced boundaries. It takes consistency (this one is VERY important). It takes an abundance of love. It’ll probably require a lot of reassurance, too, as we struggle with paranoia and think everyone is going to abandon us.

Ultimately, love is most important. Showing your family member your love for her, showing her God’s love for her, is so, so vital.

I pray the Lord gives you the words to say to your loved one. I actually pray that everyone who comes into contact with her will see her through the Lord’s eyes and become filled with compassion and love. I pray He heals and mends what needs to be healed and mended. I pray He restores her mind and her heart. I pray He continues to give you strength and wisdom to know how to love her best.”

And I pray the same over you, dear reader. May the Lord fill you with his comforting peace today. You are loved.