Borderline Personality Disorder and God

It’s been a while since I’ve written a blog post—a little over a year, actually. Yikes. 

I wanted to start this by thanking everyone who has reached out about my blog post, Borderline Personality Disorder and the Church. You can find it here if you’d like to read it: 

Borderline Personality Disorder and the Church

The stories I’ve read have touched my heart deeply, and I’m honored that anyone would share their life with me. I’ve been incredibly encouraged by everyone’s words, and I’m so grateful that the Lord is using my story to help others.

Now to the juicy stuff!

People with BPD often get stuck in the “all-or-nothing” thinking. BPD makes finding shades of grey nearly impossible. That’s a huge part of why maintaining healthy relationships is so difficult. As soon as someone we love does something even remotely “bad” (i.e., no response to a text, invalidating our emotions, rejections, disagreements, criticism…you get the point), our view of them changes. It happens instantly against our will. Our adult self doesn’t want this to happen—it makes us sick to our stomach with sadness—but some triggered parts grab the steering wheel from us. 

*Note: we all have parts; they’re not exclusive to people with BPD. Research IFS (internal family systems) if you want to know more!

I’ve learned there’s something we can control, though: how we react when the parts try to take the wheel. There are really just two options: we can either sit back and let the parts drive the car, or we can provide ourselves comfort, reassurance, and order.

I want to touch on the word “disorder” for a second, as I feel like the Lord has highlighted something for me. This word implies things are not in order—DISorder. As someone who battles BPD, pretty much nothing in my life feels orderly. My thoughts constantly race; it’s a battle to clean my apartment and take a shower; it’s pretty much a miracle that I’m holding down a 9-5 job… you get the point.

The Lord is showing me that He’s not a God of disorder and that I have the power/authority to create order. So, that’s what I’ve been trying to do. It’s literally been super tiny steps at a time, like having a weekly phone call with a father figure, for example. That has given me a slice of routine that I actually enjoy. I’d like to challenge you, dear reader, to find one positive thing you enjoy and can do regularly to create a sense of order in your life—even if it’s something super small.

I think the most profound thing the Lord has shown me is I can still have a good relationship with Him while also suffering from borderline personality disorder. I don’t believe this truth entirely quite yet, but I’m holding onto others’ faith that the day is coming. It’s coming for you, too.

Let’s hold onto hope—that one day, we won’t be so affected by BPD and its symptoms. That one day, the fear of abandonment won’t be so bad. That one day, we won’t get triggered by a late response. That one day, our emotions won’t be so strong that they cause us physical pain. That one day, the racing thoughts will be no more. That one day, we won’t have such raging impulsivity that leads to destruction. And so on.

Most importantly, let’s hold onto hope that one day, we’ll be able to see God as a loving, caring, and supportive Father who will never leave us. 

I could make this post 5,000 years long, but I will wrap it up for now. Just know your story matters. Your experiences matter. Your emotions matter. Your pain matters. Your desires matter. Your interests matter. Your struggles matter. You’re worthy of being listened to, loved, cherished, validated, and so much more—by people, but most importantly, by God. 

You are loved, and you matter.