Set Free

The past year has been a whirlwind of emotions, decisions, tears, hugs, doctors, psychiatrists, counselors, medications, more tears, mental breakdowns, anger, cussing, and everything in between.

But.

There has been breakthrough beyond belief. There has been so much love––so many hugs, smiles, laughter, and redefining of love. There has been newfound support that I never could have imagined having. There has been forgiveness––given and received. Most importantly, a relationship with the Lord has been built, cultivated, and shared. I have experienced the Holy Spirit in ways that have FREAKED me out, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

I have been set free.

I have shared this experience multiple times, but I frequently feel like people do not understand its weight––that the same freedom is available for them. A year and three days ago, I was locked up in a psych hospital with no will or reason to live. I was battling a mental health disorder, borderline personality disorder, which I knew nothing about. I had bouts of intense impulsivity and irrationality followed by severe depression and suicidal ideation––put those two together, and you have suicidal actions. I did not know how to release the overwhelming emotions. I did not know how to communicate my racing thoughts. Instead, I let them run rampant in my already “broken” brain.

In my mind, the Lord was as near to me as the ocean is to Indiana––so, not at all. He was someone up in the sky, laughing at me and most certainly not helping me. I believed He was putting me through all of the heartache and mental torture. I believed He was ripping my family and me apart. Yes, I knew satan ultimately caused these things, but why was God letting Him?

Unfortunately, I do not have all of the theological knowledge as to why things happen the way they do in the spiritual realm, but I do know that God wasn’t causing my pain and suffering. In fact, I can look back and see how His helping hand was in all the chaos. Our God is a faithful and just God. If He wasn’t, I would not be here today.

Today, I live with people who love me so dearly and show me that love every day. I am learning how to love others and articulate my thoughts and feelings. I am still battling BPD, but I am learning that it is okay to express when I am doing terribly, and it is beyond okay to ask for help. Humans were made to be in community with each other, and man, do I have a good one! I have a relationship with my mother that is strengthening. I am moving back to college in the fall with my faithful best friend (Lord willing with this Covid-19 virus). I am in therapy and on medications that have helped tremendously. I sing and play my guitar on the regular. Life is just, better––that is something I never thought I would be able to say.

So, Parkview Behavioral Health, may I never see you again, but thank you for keeping me safe.

And Lord, thank you that your plan always prevails and not mine.